Happy Birthday Aidan! Now get the heck outta Dodge!

It was an event even the Sheikh and Sheikha wouldn't miss! Here was their chance to celebrate another ex-pat going off into the world - I'm sure they both discussed this at length while driving to Aidan's birthday gathering, in their finest dish-dash attire: "Mohammed, another ex-pat boy is turning 18, it's time to send him off!" "Yes, my dear Hayya, it's a good thing I made the rule that all boys, 18 and over, must leave the Emirates, this leaves less pampered and spoiled males hanging on to their mama's Abaya!"

So it was, Aidan turned 18, on April 28, and our little family sang happy birthday in our two languages, Danish and English, while a sleepy Aidan unpacked his presents at the morning table.

Still sporting his "Prison Break" look, Hunter thought it would be helpful to have a battery operated shaver that doubles as a trimmer, so when Aidan goes off on his gap year, he can keep the hair at 2mm.

Aric and I bought Aidan a backpack and I stuffed it with Bhat (not the flying kind.....Thailand currency is called Bhat) - as this is his first stop after leaving Dubai June 15. We are delighted to have just learned that Julius, Aidan's best friend since 1st grade in Denmark, will join him there for a month!

Grandpa Tom just arrived yesterday from Chicago, via Warsaw and Vienna (the stop-overs you agree to, in order to get a trip on air-miles...!!) - and added a a few $$ to the travel nest egg.

Courtney, Aidan's femme fatale, baked him a multicolored cake; gave him purple hightops and a pink/blue watch (Aidan picked it out, she insists) - it's wonderful to have a son who is in touch with his own sexuality.

And on that subject, I booked a facial for Aidan, Hunter and I at the SPA - thinking, well I don't have two daughters to go to the salon with but in this day and age, with man-spas popping up everywhere, why shouldn't a mom be able to take her sons? Hunter jumped on this with full energy and had his face mapped out for the latest man-mask. Sharing our experiences after the treatment, Hunter and I excitedly talked about what mood light we had (green, blue or red), the smell of aroma oils and how the therapist massaged the skin around our eyelids. Aidan just looked at us, as if we were from a far away cosmetic planet.

He did not get to choose a mood light - it was clinically white in the room and his therapist had a man-face and was not talkative. He said she spread oatmeal on his face and used a brush to smear it so it sprayed everywhere (this would be where the mask was applied and Hunter's and my experience was quite different: gently smoothing exfoliating paste and spreading it with a rotating brush to get dead skin cells off) - Did you get steamed? I asked. Yes, this hot smoke came out of a pipe and made my nose run, but I did get a hot pad on my stomach! Ah yes, that would be the herb pack which soothes and relaxes you!

Hmmnn, OK. So I have a metro-sexual son who loves to be pampered and a macho-wood-chopping-son a la "Men in Trees" - who clearly thinks moisturizer and SPF is overrated! We still laughed as we drove home to meet Aric for dinner. All in all a great day and one I will cherish for years to come.

Golf can wipe you out!

It was that annoying 'beep-beep'...'beep-beep'; a text was coming in on the BlackBerry, and woke us up at 6.45am on a Friday (the holiest of holy days and equal to our Saturday).
Five missed calls, from a number we didn't recognize - plus 3 missed calls from Hunter. The unknown number was from a Pratabh - the lifeguard at the Montgomery Golf Club.
Imagine hearing only one side of the conversation Aric was engaged in: "who is this?; aha; where was he found?; who are you again?; he was found where again? yes; no; yes; no; yes I am Hunter's father; yes I know where the road to the golf academy is...we will be there in 5..."


Well, there was no sleeping in at that point - obviously something was up with Hunter, who we had dropped off at the Marina, for a small "friend gathering" the night before. I looked at Aric curiously as he hung up the phone. Hunter had been found, 5.30am, asleep in the grass in the median of the road leading to the Montgomery golf academy. Knowing my son doesn't suffer from narcolepsy or sleep walking, I immediately guessed he was drunk. Pratabh confirmed this when we got to the club. Wagging his head he explained, "Yessir, he was much babbling and could not stand straight".....hmmnn, nice! Hunter in the meantime was not lying in the grass any longer. It was now 7.15 and the security guard who found him was off-duty at this point so we couldn't find out what had happened. Hunter didn't answer his phone and we thought perhaps he had moved when the sprinklers and golfers began making the grass median a bit crowded.


Aidan, Slim, Aric and I began walking along the road, looking in the bushes on each side, for a heap of skinny teenager. As I was supposed to have gone to my spinning class at 8.30 with Fiona, she instead came to help search. Pratabh told us, they had called 999 (emergency) but he wasn't sure whether the police had actually picked Hunter up. We called Jebel Ali police station but they didn't have a 16 year old white Dane. We then spoke to 999 dispatch and they confirmed someone from Bur Dubai police station had responded. Then we called Bur Dubai police but they refused to speak English and hung up on Aric 4 times. I called Jebel Ali police again and asked if they could contact Bur Dubai police and please ask them in Arabic if Hunter was detained there. "No Madam, I will call them and tell them to speak English and then you call them again, KHALAS! (He emphasized 'khalas' - stop, finished, in Arabic, so I wasn't going to argue). Called Bur Dubai again - this time they replied they didn't know if Hunter was there, I would need to come to the station. OH NO...I was feeling a deja vu coming on!

Meanwhile - Fiona and I had arranged for another security guard to drive us around holes 1 to 3 in a golf cart, to see if Hunter had wandered across the golf course towards our Lakes neighborhood. It wasn't far, but when you are drunk, it can be challenging to negotiate a large lake, sandbunkers and several golf balls on the way, in 90 degrees heat. No sign of him in any bush, nor was he floating upside down in the lake. I thought Slim had sensed his scent, but sadly, Slim's blood hound ability is limited to females in heat, and birds flying off in front of him.


Fiona and I then drove all the way to Bur Dubai police, while Aric went home and nursed his fractured and swollen ankle from a spill on the wakeboard 3 days ago. My accidental husband is not learning!! It's worth mentioning that this whole time Aric was swearing while trying to contact Hunter's friends to find out what had happened, and why he was at Montgomery at all.

We got to the police station. Now, we know from experience not to say anything that can incriminate us. Drinking in the UAE is illegal and at 16 years of age, there just is no leniency.
So with great finesse and putting on our Oscar winning worried faces, Fiona and I explained to the guy on duty (beige uniform, angry looking - definitely in charge) - that Hunter was suffering from Diabetes and he had not had his insulin with him when visiting a friend. That's why he had passed out when trying to make it home to get his medication. The guy asked "so where is he?" - "well sir that's what we are trying to find out!!" (we're dealing with highly educated Emiratis here you see). "Sir, can you tell us if he is here? The Police was called when the security guy found him at Montgomery". "What is Montgomery?" (sigh...this would take a while). After 3 calls to his dispatcher, he told us to wait. We waited. and waited....meanwhile I read an interesting pamphlet called "My Son Steals" - an enlightening piece of literature obviously targeted toward lazy Arabic young males, as it clearly stated (and I quote verbatum - spellings and all): "Theft is a bad habit acquired from the surroundings in which he lives through imitation. To solve this phenomenon with the son, it is required from us to understand the folling !!!! He steals because he wishes to prove the ego in front of his friends and to fulfill his desire to please them. He steals to make fun and to break the status of the dullness or joblessness (unemployment). The increased protection and the pampering which make the son is not able to differentiate between his properties and others." Oh boy - do you think the local Emiratis have a problem with teen males??
It offered the following advice: "I can solve the problems of my son by - knowing his friends in order to verify their goodness and rightness; - to fulfill his physical needs in a moderate form without any pampering therein nor any stinginess...." Yes, that is good parent advice! So girls don't steal and the Arab boys steal because their moms pamper them. Got it!

Finally, Fiona and I got antsy and asked where they keep the people they pick up. I was told in the cells in the back. I asked if I could go see if Hunter was there. No, he wouldn't be there...as he is 16 and they only hold 18 and older! Now you tell us! What were we waiting for?? We never found out. Aric called us and said Hunter had been found, he was at the Marina, at the place where the party had been. Apparently after the security guy woke him, Hunter wandered back to the Marina very confused about why he was at Montgomery. The guard kept his phone so he couldn't call anyone. I considered giving the guard the pamphlet on stealing, since he thought it was OK to keep Hunter's phone. When Aric told Pratabh we would pick it up the next day and to have it ready, all of a sudden "the guard found it and returned it to the front desk"....yeah, right.

Hunter has no recollection of what happened between 1am when he says he and his 2 friends were watching Rambo on DVD, and 5.30am when he was in mid conversation with the security guard at Montgomery. He says maybe his drink was spiked. I personally think when you mix Jack Daniels, beer, vodka and gin, have a body fat content of .03% - that is spiking enough! So he is grounded until the end of the school year and to shave off a bit of his attitude, he has to call and personally apologize to Fiona for wasting her entire morning and putting us all through the nightmare of worrying.

hand me that screwdriver, please?

Guess how many Indians it takes to install a TV wall unit? Just guess...! OK then, I'll tell you. It takes seven (well six to work and one to watch), plus a supervisor, plus 8-9 phonecalls from the project manager and 4 days of assembly efforts. It puts Ikea to shame.

In December, when we moved from the Penthouse to the Villa, I sold most of our furniture - during the past 10 years and through 4 countries, we have collected a mis-match of pieces that just didn't cut it any longer. I was longing for coordinated style and comfort. I know - it's a female thing! Aric is at fault though. He met the Penthouse neighbor, whose apartment could be a candidate for the May issue of 'House and Garden' (or 'Apartment and Balcony'). Not shy of entering conversations, my dear Aric went through the neighbor's rooms and salivated over the carefully selected designer pieces. So when Julie (designer and 'girlfriend' of aforementioned neighbor) rode the elevator up with Aric one late night and happened to mention that such furniture could be had for a quarter of the cost, Aric of course thought "what a deal" (he forgot to take into account that it was a quarter of the designer's price, not Ikea or normal prices...!!)

So, in sheer bliss and ignorance, we started looking in stacks of books and magazines for ideas on furniture, lamps and accessories. Julie put a lot of time into coordinating colors (as designers do) and we ended up with two living rooms completely furnished - on paper.
It looked fantastic with teal, taupe, burnt orange, and a Buddha head on a shelf. Then came the quote (and we thought we were prepared, having sussed out several prices on couches and chairs) - 237,000 Dirhams (that's about $65,000) let me tell you that 'sticker shock' is putting it mildly! Ikea all of sudden looked golden; I almost had my butt in the car heading there, when Julie told us that her fee was a mere 12.5% on top of the value, and before we passed out from sheer lack of oxygen, the Buddha head was "so cool and I was able to get 50% off for you"...what the heck did that Buddha head cost at full value?? Like that was going to be the deal breaker?

I diplomatically told Julie that in case she hadn't read the newspapers - the world was in a recession and our pay rise was frozen for 2 years, so sorry - this was a little out of our league.
She took it well, considering she is a single mom; having just taken her cheating hubby to the cleaners and scored a 5 bedroom home, an Aston Martin and an Audi SUV 6 point something in the divorce! Obviously she does not need our project. Goodbye Julie, go work on some rich Arab's Armani couch cushions!
Fortunately, we are ever the creative and pushy family, and we know that Cisco's former HR manager actually was married to a designer and knows people who knows people. We got Dennis on the phone and asked him if he could source some of the furniture at lower prices.
As it turns out, his ex-wife, now works with Julie, go figure that two scorned wives go into business of screwing other people....so Dennis told us that he would love to see his ex-wife lose a project and in 2 days he had us visiting a 'hidden in the industrial estate of Al Quoz' Indian furniture maker. After picking the same furniture and material Julia had suggested, and being our own project managers, we had a quote for a mere 81,000 dirhams ($22,000) which is such a deal, considering it cost $50,000 to furnish our entire Sanibel home.
This did not include the revered Buddha Head though, but I am sure I can find an authentic piece in Nepal in September, when Hunter, Aric and I go backpacking in Kathmandu Valley.
It should be mentioned that between December and March, when we were sitting on lawn furniture without any tables to set a drink on, we were wishing for a Crate and Barrel or Pottery Barn. The Gods obviously played a trick on us, because as soon as I signed the check for the Indian furniture place, both stores AND an Ethan Allen store, opened up in 2 different malls! Can we ever win?? In hindsight though, their prices are over the top, as everything is imported and besides, the whole Cape Cod look just doesn't work in a Desert environment....so there!

Now, as things are coming together, we are excited about our new and coordinated look. It hasn't been without patience (you have to micro manage these Indians - they work hard but they have no finishing or detailed skills); they will assemble and install the units and forget about the fact that a TV actually runds on electricity and therefore you should have a whole in the unit back panel for the power cord! All seven Indians almost ran for cover when Aric brought out his electronic level...they looked as if he brought a cane to punish them, then looked in awe as the shelves were 0.5 mm off!
The couch ended up being 5 cm too high and as the Ault males rarely grow to more than 5'10, feet were dangling above the floor when sitting in the sofa. Off came the steel legs and back to the iron monger for cutting. We should have a complete living room and lounge ready for when Aric's dad Tom and his main squeeze Margaret, arrive May 1. We may even have some art up. The Buddha Head will have to wait; I have an African mask from Kenya that will take it's place for now. Pictures will follow in a few weeks.

Freedom!!

The world is right again, for the time being!
Jack is out of Sharja Central Jail and he and Betty probably back in UK by now! The newspaper 7Days collected nearly 30,000 dirhams and two private business men as well as a large security firm, donated the rest, to pay the debts still outstanding for the older couple. It's amazing what people can do in collaboration and by standing together to help others.

Also checked out, of her 5-star accommodation, is the large whale shark in Atlantis Aquarium. Under cover of darkness, the 4.5 meter shark was lured into a large bag - like a goldfish - and lifted by crane out of the ceiling - out over the roof and then trucked over to the east end of the Palm where she was released at dawn. It's either a happy ending or a conspiracy, with some people thinking she actually died in captivity. The marine sciences VP, Steve Kaiser, said they have pictures and video, of the whole release operation - but "he doesn't release photos, he releases animals"!! Well paid for that comment I'm sure!
Apparently she is tagged with a tracking device and for 90 days they will follow her passage to freedom. We all hope the truth prevails and that she really is safe and free. WHile captive since 2008 when fishermen found her sick of a "heat stroke" off Jebel Ali, she has fared well in captivity and grew 60 cm while in the tank. Now hopefully she can join her sister whale sharks and roam the Earth's oceans.

What a day for daybreak!

It is always such a treat when we can manage to get on the boat, and the boat actually starts, and the weather is accommodating! The last two weekends offered just that. Out with friends Steve, Katie, Ian and Claire - and family....for an active, sun and fun filled morning of aqua exercises!

Aidan's girlfriend, Courtney - and her family, joined us the 3rd weekend, so it really has been an active and social agenda! Lots of wakeboarding, wake surfing, swimming and lounging! As cynical as we are getting here due to the crazy local rules and illogical system - this is really a good life and we are truly fortunate to be able to enjoy our weekends like this. Aidan is off soon and then we won't be able to hang like this with him for a while (sniff)!

A Day at the ......

A day at the..... Tennis Match

How Dubai manages to attract so many sports names and events is beyond me, but usually in the "winter months" we get busy with days out at concerts, sports, races, exhibitions etc. This winter has been no exception. Wake Stock was probably the highlight for Aric and the boys, when they went to Abu Dhabi to see the world's top wake board performers do 360 tricks. I've managed to clear the wake without wiping out and now practising my "jumps" (think I got 3 inches above the wake last weekend)!!

It's fantastic when your friends give you tickets to the Tennis Finals and you expect to see Venus, Andrew Murray, Roger Federer - only when you finally get to the day of the playoffs, everyone famous has lost out and you have to watch people you don't know. We went with our colleague Vince and his wife Sarah, and ended up seeing some Serbian and Russian players....got rained out and never watched the final set. The highlight was the blowdrying and sweeping of the courts - and the Royal gazing, Sheikh Hamdan and his entourage in dish-dash sitting under a huge cover!

A day at the....Races and Sting

Five times the size of Ascot; huge hotel, lighting that can be seen from space and yet no betting! It was probably the most we have ever spent on race entry/concert ticket combo, at $275 each we expected the red carpet, a spot in front of the stage and decent food/drinks. Of course in Dubai, the more you pay, the further away from the stage you get to sit! Meydan race course has missed the trick. In a shape of a falcon, the giant structure somehow just doesn't impress.

Everyone got an arm-band coded according to ticket price paid, and pink didn't seem to get you in anywhere but the toilet...Aric and I wandered around and thought we could take in the over-the-top place. Can we see the hotel? "NO". Restaurants? "No, not unless you belong to the Dubai race club". Hmmnn, the winner's circle? "Are you kidding me, you infidels !- you cannot get close to the Sheikh's race horses!!" -- Can we see Sting? "Yas, from 1200 feet away, you may stand in the small sectioned off area but no lewd dancing or swaying of the hips!!"

Thank God for good friends....we did our own secret betting among the group and I won 35 dirhams when my stunning long-legged number 13 came in first - from behind the field in 750 meters he glided right up to the front. Amazing! That bought me a glass of red wine at the make shift kabab and hot dog stand we were allowed to walk to! To think I had to hussle my way to a drink! Sting came on after the last race, plus another hour of waiting, and the people who only paid 150 dirhams for their ticket ($70) got to stand right in front of the stage. Yes there is such logic to Dubai! On March 27th the race season closes with Elton John, Santana, lots of women in hats, and we have spoken to several people who say "no way, it's just a sterile corporate place built to impress....don't know who!"

A Day at..... Paulo

Our crazy Scottish friends, Fiona and Angus, had tickets for us well in advance. This concert was in Irish Village (the only place in Dubai who actually employs waiters from the country represented, i.e. Ireland in this case). Normally the place rocks with Guiness, big screen TVs and football games. As it is outside, the duck-pond is especially a serene sight while Irish drunks stumble around (no disrespect to any Irish reading this ;-). This particular evening, the organizers covered the pond and we stood on top of the boards. I do hope the ducks got out before they covered it. What a concert.....a third of the price and 50 feet from the stage, we had such a blast. The music was fantastic!

You have the right to remain ... in jail!

The 7am wake-up call never came! Hazy from a bad night sleep, I stumbled out of bed and realized I had 20 minutes to get ready, before my driver was picking me up. My skin still had the bed sheet imprints, a very creative pattern in fact, across arms, shoulders and chest. Back in Nigeria once more – this time I did get the Yellow Fever vaccine, because I just didn't have the stamina to argue with the "health officials". The vaccine is hard to come by in Dubai. Only very few hospitals have stock…better hope a Yellow Fever epidemic won’t break out there!

But this story is not about me, nor Nigeria, much as I want to complain again about the dysfunctional and inefficient immigration process in Lagos!

This story is about Jack and Betty. It could have been about the babies who have recently been left, abandoned, in various places around the Emirates – babies probably born out of wedlock or as a result of rape – but there is not much to tell about them. The mothers are terrified of risking jail, as it is illegal to have sex when unmarried, so they cannot keep their babies out of fear of being arrested. It is, sadly, just one of many untold stories from a Muslim region which cannot deal with reality of a warped set of rules. There will be a blog about this some other day.

No, this story is about an elderly British couple in their late 70’s, who, after 20 years can no longer legally work in Dubai (max age is 74); who now wants to return to England to live out their remaining years with their children and grand kids. A lifetime of personal memories and material things would turn out to be too expensive to ship; the rate for a container too much for Jack and Betty. The container was packed but the quote came in at nearly $8000. So Betty decided to review their items and sort through the furniture to keep or sell, so the quote would be less. But before she could do this, the container was erroneously shipped and now on its way towards England; the bill payable for the full amount. The couple tried to settle the bill in instalments. Apparently that didn’t work out.

Unfortunately, debt is the worst thing to have in this sandbox. Once a company is owed money and they try to collect, a chain of events is set into motion and very quickly a situation that appears manageable, can spiral out of control. That’s how Jack found himself in jail for a month. Once you have unpaid debts, your bank accounts and assets are frozen, (which makes no sense as you’re trying to pay your bills), so unable to get immediate help from their children back in the UK, Jack and Betty desperately tried to rectify the problem. But in the Emirates, you are guilty until proven innocent and it doesn’t matter what the nature of the crime or problem. Often, as we learned when Hunter’s bicycle was stolen, it is the victim who quickly becomes the perpetrator, in a set of circumstances where logic is turned up side down.

Unfortunately for Jack, the process of collection had begun, not with warning calls or letters, but with the worst outcome first – jail for 30 days, which quickly was increased to 90 days when he couldn’t pay their rent, because….their bank account is frozen!

So when Jack is done serving his sentence March 17, for “non-payment” of shipping charges, in the notorious Central Jail; he can start his next sentence for the rent non-payment, and so forth and so on. There is also an un-paid rental car bill which can’t be settled as the bank account is frozen.

We first heard about Jack and Betty in our radical “push the envelope” daily newspaper called 7Days. We love 7Days – they go straight to the edge of censorship and while they remain factual, they really question and highlight the idiotic system here, just barely avoiding getting their reporters in trouble. Kind of like me and blog….

As you might expect, hundreds of letters poured in, in support of the couple, from people including myself, with offers to help Betty with housing, shopping, legal help etc. Because their bank accounts were frozen, she could not shop for food, and has been forced to stay in a small apartment until this is sorted. The lead reporter responded to each of us, that the Newspaper staff was also looking into helping and were in contact with Betty here and the children in the UK.

Always a curious soul, in my letter to the Editor, I questioned why the couple’s 3 children weren’t assisting, let alone flying to Dubai immediately after Jack was jailed. I mean, there is no way Aric and I would ever leave Tom in jail….well maybe one night, but that would only be because Tom wouldn’t bail Aric out of jail in college!! We certainly wouldn’t leave him in there for more than 2, max 3 days ;-)

The reporter told me the kids don’t have enough money to pay for the shipping container charges. They could only manage to pool money for two airline tickets for Jack and Betty’s return. Well it’s none of our business, but your mom and dad are stuck, with dad in a hot, humid – no A/C - jail normally frequented by …let’s say a high concentration of Arab’s, Indians, Bangladeshi and Pakistanis….all charged with a variety of crimes from theft, rape, fraud, unpaid tolls, people trafficking, murder and illegal consumption of alcohol. Just where you want to place a 78 year old, British, grandpa. No prison break here!
To make matters worse, Jack fell from the van on his way to prison and seriously injured his back. It took guards 10 days to get a doctor. Despite this he has only just been given a bed in his crowded, filthy cell.
With the newspaper’s help, a bank account has been set up in Betty’s name for donations; last we checked, they now have 25,000 Dirhams (nearly enough to settle the shipping charges). This is not the end of the problem though. The government has to realize that changes to the law and procedures must happen, in order for growth and prosperity to happen. Is it any wonder that people who leave Dubai, sneak away and leave their cars and belongings behind, rather than risking jail for months?