Paper Tigers

I hold in my hand, two certified, stamped, sealed, original and officially signed by Hilary Rodham Clinton, titles to one: Viper Red, Bad Ass fast ski boat and one: long, long, (nearly too long) black trailer to carry the before mentioned Bad Ass ski boat. - I promised you the document story from Hell, well here it is!

Rewind a few blogs and a couple of months to when Aric and I were sitting at MOFA (Ministry of Foreign Affairs) - he in the men's section and me in the women's section (not very effective when you're a couple who does everything in tandem) - being told that once the titles have a US Consulate verification stamp, MOFA would be happy to accept, in cash, 1500 Dirham to stamp the titles so we can register the Bad Ass boat. I'm dialing the US Consulate number even before we leave the MOFA building but far be it for the US State Dept to work more than 5 hours a day, so by now (3.30pm) the Consular section is closed and we are welcome to come back the next business day between 12.30 and 3pm.

Since Aric is the official US citizen and I'm just a "pretend" kling-on, he made the trip back to Deira to the trade center building and went up to "the floor that doesn't really exist" in the elevator that doubled as a metal detector. Resembling a secret Mission Impossible, Aric spoke to a US State Representative (aka clerk) and explained that he just needed a few US stamps so MOFA could provide their stamp and he could get the Coast Guard number for the boat. In and out - nobody gets hurt.

Mr. Clerk asked Aric "how it could be assured that the title was indeed original and not a fraud? Aric looked at him puzzled (had not gotten to the "Look-it" stage yet) - and asked Mr. Clerk if he himself was a US citizen and if he had ever owned a house or a car? "Yes" Mr. Clark answered. Aric proceeded to tell him that given the texture and originality of the documents, coupled with the watermarks and raised border, there was probably a good chance that it hadn't just been run off a home HP laser printer! "Well, how do we really know - I've been all over the world and these are the procedures!" - to which Aric (now slightly red faced) replied that he also had been all over the world and never had he been treated like an imbecile on his own country's territory. I won't repeat the verbiage that followed. Suffice it to say, I googled "how to authenticate US docs" real fast and downloaded the entire process in the time it took Aric to ride down from the floor that doesn't really exist.

Two days later I was standing in Kinko's FedEx office in Media City with the titles and two letters. One letter was to the Secretary of State of California Debra Bowen (we're on first name now) and the second to the US Authentication Department in Washington DC. You see, the documents first had to go back to the state they originated to be notorized and there we had our first dilemma. The boat was bought in California. Aric had at least had the good foresight to have the dealer get the docs notorized in California. But the actual title was issued where the boat was built and that was in Tennessee. My faith in the Tennessee State Dept to actually know where Dubai is located, let alone understand a sense of urgency, was not strong. We decided to gamble and live life dangerously and sent off the documents to California hoping that nobody would notice that small discrepancy.

The tricky part would be to instruct the State of California to forward the docs to Washington with urgency and then get that department to send the docs back to us - processed with speed. Still standing in the FedEx place, I was told I could not prepay for shipping services in the US. That meant I had to instruct someone to arrange FedEx for us on the ground there and I also had to write 5 checks in advance and fill out 3 airway bills.

The best laid plans fell apart two days later when a clerk (Brenda, oh Brenda) emailed me to ask which documents she needed to authenticate and why. I had only written a full page letter describing exactly what to do, but perhaps I over-explained, I will admit to that fact. Surely it could not be that a US state employee didn't get the plot? Then Brenda emailed me back 2 days later saying that I had not enclosed the right amount of fees (their website said $20 but did not specify per document - who knew?) Amazing that the small hand movement of placing an ink stamp on a piece of paper is worth $20, but there you go! Six additional days - and 24 emails later - Brenda still hadn't shipped off the documents because now she had no way of paying FedEx for the pick-up, since she took my $40 check, which was meant for the FedEx shipment, as payment for the stamping, which I had only enclosed $20 for. I won't tell you how much hair I found around Aric but he did pull out a few!

I gave Brenda my credit card number and at this point didn't give a hoot if she took it to Nordstroms, bought 34 pairs of shoes and fled the country, as long as that envelope made it Washington. In the meantime we had the swearing in of Hilary as new US Secretary of State, so I was envisioning a long delay in Washington between her and Condeleeza while they swapped desks, cleaning out 4 years of paper clips, old lipsticks, rubber bands and who knows what else in their file cabinets. Meanwhile images of huge storage charges filled our heads because the boat had arrived and you know that whole story!

Another email from Brenda, OH Brenda! (it was becoming a daily and scary ritual checking our Gmail) that FedEx would not pick up since they don't take credit cards. WHAT?? It took me 3 seconds to dial 1-800-go-fedex to give them a piece of my mind and low and behold, they not only accepted my credit card but also took the pick-up order from half way around the world and assured me that they would pick-up the next day and send my docs to DC faster than Superman can rip off his suit. It's not me to be sarcastic at all, so I wrote a nice email to Brenda telling her that if she would kindly at least write my credit card number on the airway bill, which had already been filled out by me, we could get the show on the road. Oddly I never heard back from her!

During the hectic email exchange with Brenda, I thought I had better proactively get someone in the US State Dept to work for me, so I called to speak to a person, which apparently just doesn't work in DC. What do I know about politics....I sat on the phone for 10 minutes intensely listening to the outgoing message to make sure I followed the maze correctly. It was one of those messages that in no way matched a Federal Government Agency; the voice reminded me of a Hitchcock blonde "femme fatale", uber decadent - "I really can't be bothered as I'm sitting here in my neglige sipping a Martini but if you press one for domestic document authentication or two for International document authentication....enclose a check to cover the national debt, you may be lucky to get your documents back within the seven days as promised". Needless to say when I got an email from "Sonya Johnson" - I struggled to reconcile the image to the voice. Sonya told me in a one-liner (and there was no hint of any Martini slur there) that "they had authenticated documents for 50 years and they knew what they were doing!" - how could I ever have doubted the US government would get the job done?

Three days later is when!! Sonya wrote me saying that the check I had written for the FedEx shipment to Dubai was made out to the US State Department and not FedEx. DOAH! Yes dear Sonya, if you had read my one page letter (which I should have written to Hilary because she would have known straight away what to do) you would know that FedEx could not tell me what the charge would be, but they did say it would be around $70, so I wrote the check for more in case it was higher and I would assume that the US State Dept could cash it, then arrange to pay FedEx directly via their account. Oh girlfriend, talk to the hand!! Mizz Sonya doesn't roll that way apparently!

Mastercard to the priceless rescue again, and another call to 1-800-just-go-for-crying-out-loud! I didn't ask Sonya exactly what she had been doing the past 50 years because I didn't want her to spit on my documents. One never knows when a pent-up - underpaid - federal government employee will go postal. Besides, their web maintenance person had neglected to update their fees so here I was again, wrote a check for $18.00 ($6 per document and there were 3) except the fee is $8.00 per doc. Turns out Brenda, oh Brenda, had only stamped two of the three, because the third document (the invoice) had not been notorized, so Sonya would only stamp the same two. I asked Sonya if she could just take the $18.00 - keep the $2.00 and donate it to charity or take herself out to lunch. Apparently I was talking to the hand because in the return envelope were 3 of my checks, including the $18 with a letter stating I had overpaid and would I please send a check for the correct amount of $16 ASAP so my documents could be processed. Except, enclosed were the processed documents. Hilary Clinton had entered office and I think we were her first task! I'm really glad she stepped in and took over the job from Sonya. Sonya was getting stressed I know, from all the precise instructions I had given; she's probably on short term paid disability now from the sheer pressure of authenticating her brain out.

Aric is headed back down to Mr. Clerk with the documents today, so fingers crossed he gets the stamp we so desperately need! The boat was moved to the marina where it is undergoing anti-fouling (a treatment sure to kill at least 3% of the marine life in a 5 mile radius) to prevent barnacles build-up.

If all goes well, and the Coast Guard issues the registration numbers, we should be able to break the bottle of champagne across the bow on Feb 19. My mom who is visiting from Denmark can just make the maiden voyage before leaving on the 20th. It's all down to timing with no help from the Paper Tigers!